18 - Hello! I’m alive! Let’s catch up

It’s been a while (4 months!!) since I’ve written a blog post. What started as a semi-conscious step back from blogging turned into a loss of practice and habit and then into a vague forgetfulness that was interrupted by impulses of “I should get back to that” and “Oo! I wanna write about that.”

Since the marathon, my running journey’s been super turbulent. There were periods of injury+rehab, personal and work matters taking priority, travel, a surprise 71 mile week as what I thought would be my first full training week back on plan, moving apartments, and now the current struggle of building back fitness and routine.

I want to take time to look back on these four months, and in doing so, hopefully celebrate the small wins and self-soothe from the general “meh” feelings and frustrations I currently carry. This blog post will be less about any specific running subject and more a recollection and reflection of what my running journey has been over the past 4 months. BUCKLE UP

After Eugene Marathon

Following April 30’s Eugene Marathon, my training calendar was clear for the entire month of May. I had a whole month “off” to recover, and then formal training would resume on June 1st. This was planned and typical. After my previous two marathons, I had taken the rest of the month off to recover, and for both I really needed it. Those two races left me feeling beat up but also wanting to rush back into running. This time I was eager for the time off. I was in pretty good shape after Eugene, and I approached the time off as a good practice rather than a necessary prescription to heal from the damage of the marathon. It was still time to recover, of course, but it was also time to reframe running for a bit and to give attention to the things I deprioritized during marathon training—relationship, family, friends, other activities and interests.

The first week after the marathon, I did a few walks and a hike. One to a few no-pressure miles to keep my legs moving and moving slowly. This was active recovery, and it felt cathartic. On my morning walks I’d bask in the morning sunlight and breathe in the new day. For that week I told myself Absolutely no running. Life felt slower and calmer. By May 5th, my legs were feeling fully recovered, and I was really eager to start running again but stuck with my resolve to keep it chill for the rest of that week. I ended up tallying just over 15 miles of walking and hiking for that week.

The next week I decided that I wanted to get back into strength training. In prep for Eugene, I had developed a varied, whole body routine at the start of my training cycle, but closer to the marathon those strength sessions turned more and more running-specific until eventually falling off to make way for more mileage. Now, I wanted to get back into a well-rounded strength regimen and build up that habit again. First step was to get a gym membership. The idea was to take advantage of this unstructured time to strengthen my legs and body for the training cycles later in the year.

The first few days at the gym were just me dabbling, getting my body used to spending time with free weights and different exercises. I also threw in a couple treadmill miles to get my legs slowly started up again. May 10th, I was back on the road running. Easy miles with no set distance in mind, I was intent to purely run for enjoyment and not routine. That day I got close to 5 miles logged and then a couple more the next day.

Back on the road! (..to injury)

May 16th, I set out for around 6 miles. This distance had become my standard for an any day distance; on any day, I could put down 6 miles and feel like I did some good work without getting very strained. On this run I actually felt some strain in my left Achilles tendon. It was a sharp pinpoint pain that forced me to stop, stretch, and massage a few times before I could finish the distance. A little alarming, so I took a mental note to keep an eye on that in future runs.

The next day I logged 4 miles and noticed my left soleus felt really tight on top of some more Achilles strain. I had gone through plantar fasciitis and other foot issues before, so my protocol was to do some calf strengthening to get ahead of a possibly worsening issue. A couple Reddit searches and podcast listens affirmed this. I spent the rest of May doing unstructured runs and strength workouts. The Achilles niggle would pop up every now and then through the month. *sigh* That’s okay, we’ve got time to work on it and recover.

The New Workout Plan (is Rehab)

Then June finally came—my month back on plan to start a strong cycle of summer training. My coach and I had planned to build up more mileage and strength sessions through the summer to prep for fall racing. But I went into June 1st insecure and unsteady. My first planned run of 8 miles I did on a treadmill while listening to a Doctors of Running podcast episode on Achilles tendinopathy.

Running on the treadmill gave me security that I could step off if the pain got too bad, and it ensured a controlled pace and effort. Setting the treadmill at 6.0 felt conservative. Still, the pain was present. I took the next couple days off and returned to the treadmill on June 5 for 5 miles. Some dull Achilles pain came along for the ride. The next couple of runs on June 7 and 8 were pain-free. Finally! That started to give me some confidence to return to the road for a long run.

June 9, I set out for 12 miles on road. It started out beautifully! I was running familiar routes through some of my favorite places in LA. I had built comfort with the treadmill, but it was starting to feel hamster-wheel-y. The fresh air and familiar roads revitalized me and my legs were moving well! ..for the first 7.8 miles. Then, Disaster! Sharp Achilles pain. After a couple hobbled attempts to get started again, I resigned to walking some 4 miles back home. *Sigh #2* Back to the treadmill.

A silver lining to this bout of injury was that it encouraged me to feel out more free time and space since I couldn’t run at full volume. On my treadmill runs I was watching new movies and shows, and outside of the gym I started disc golf and hiking. The pain had made me shy to run, but I had scheduled runs on the calendar that I’d at least try to attempt each day on the treadmill.

This was the trend for the rest of June, and I got more and more familiar with the treadmill. The treadmill runs started with 50 to 80 minute efforts, and within a couple weeks I was putting down 10-15 miles each time I stepped on the treadmill. All those long hours on the treadmill still felt dull, but I was able to liven them up by watching Demon Slayer, Run with the Wind, Black Mirror, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse, and All Quiet on the Western Front. Bless Netflix and Prime Video.

Throughout all those runs, I was always cautious and nervous going into them. It was hard to balance motivation to run with the fear of perpetuating or worsening my injury. With each successful run, though, I began building more and more confidence. My sharp Achilles pain had quieted to dull, infrequent niggles and were even non-existent at times.

Also maybe important to note is that during this period, Achilles strengthening was always on my mind. Any chance I could get, I would work in some sort of Achilles or calf exercise. That meant doing calf raises while brushing my teeth or while standing in a church pew, or doing the short foot exercise while sitting through work meetings.

Philly-Trenton-NY Trip, and Running while Traveling

Despite training with injury, June 9-23 was a solid couple weeks of consistent running. I found myself quickly able to get into a focused routine while getting back to running injury-free. In the last week of June, I had to put my focus more fully on work, which called for earlier and longer days. That’s normal and doesn’t happen too often, so I felt fine to put a brief pause on running while getting through this surge.

During that week, Anya (le gf) and I were also prepping for a trip planned for the following week, the first week of July. The trip would take us from Philly to Trenton, New Jersey before finally finishing with a few days in New York. Knowing I had the trip ahead gave me some more security in choosing not to run for the rest of June. My time and energy were going into work and vacation prep, and besides, relaxation was just around the corner.

Whenever I envision a vacation, running is always a part of it. I’ll pack one or two pairs of running shoes and all the apparel and accessories I need to run. I don’t make any hard plans or expectations to run, but I figure I could set myself up for running success by making sure that when I find time to run, I’ve got all I need. The reality for me, though, is that it was a lot harder to find that time than expected.

Without a firm plan of how I would run while on vacation, I found it really logistically difficult to run. I had taken for granted how much goes into a run (time, energy, prep, recovery) that any time running came up in my head, I never felt like I had enough bandwidth for it. Our vacation was peppered with late nights and later starts and coordinating plans with others. Breaking off to do a solo run felt selfish and unaccommodating to other plans we had in the day.

This led to me feeling guilt and frustration with my running. My want for running was at a tug-of-war with feelings that I couldn’t run (because I was too tired or there wasn’t enough time) or that I shouldn’t (because that would be selfish of me). The vacation was great overall, but each day I carried with me a nagging tug that I wasn’t doing this thing that I wanted and loved.

Surprise! Weekly Mileage PR!

The trip lasted from July 1 to July 10, and I returned to LA on a MISSION to start logging miles again. I took a look at the training plan my coach had uploaded, and without much thinking, I committed myself to following it as prescribed. In retrospect, this was kind of foolish. At that time, my training plan was written weeks ahead and assumed that my running had been going as planned. As you know, this was far from true since I was coming back to running after a string of planned off-time, injury, and vacation. Some weeks I eked out a few runs, and other weeks I didn’t even make it out the door. Most miles that I managed to run were riddled with injury.

Still, I was hopeful and determined! My legs were fresh from taking two weeks off, and the prior injuries felt far enough back that I was near amnesic about them. I jumped into the plan as if I hadn’t taken any time off. 10 miles, followed by another 10, then a 12 mile workout. I was golden! I finished that first week back (July 11-16) with a 17 miler and a total of 60 miles logged for that week. For reference, I had only reached the 60 mile range in the past during peak weeks leading up to a marathon. Pulling this out of nowhere felt miraculous. And I got greedy.

I went into the next week with the same resolve. Started with 4 miles, then 10, then 11, a midweek 14 miler, 4 mi recovery, a double day with 7 in the morning and 7 in the afternoon, and finally another 14 to top off the week. BAM! 71.74 miles. My first 70 mile training week. I felt strong. I felt healthy. Running felt natural, and I even got speedy in that last long run.

I was hoping whatever manifested during those two weeks would remain and carry me forward, but then came another decline. By the middle of the following week, my routine (running, work, and other life things) just flew out the door and I was missing runs. As usual, I tried to make up those runs later in the week, but reality hit when I bailed out of a 12 mile workout after just getting 5 in. I didn’t have to look too hard to find a reason. Sleep, diet, lifestyle challenges plagued me that week. Each day that week added more and more to try to salvage. It all caught up to me with feelings of burnout, so I took a couple days off to reset and got my next run in on August 1.

By this time I had let my coach know that I was planning on running this week and next at lower volume to get my diet, sleep, and general lifestyle in order. It was super validating to get his support and guidance that “life stuff is always more important that running, and if it’s well taken care of then [I] can train that much harder!”

Lollapalooza 2023, Chicago - Aug 3-7

The intention to decrease volume was a good plan, but it ended up not actually panning out well and being a little short-sighted. The next thing immediately on the calendar was a long weekend in Chicago for Lollapalooza! From the recent NY trip, I learned to be more realistic with expectations of running while on travel. I did the same thing in packing my run gear, but I placed zero expectation to run since we had four full festival days ahead of us.

And it was a fabulous four full festival days! Tons of pacing back and forth the festival grounds between stages, we averaged about 8 miles of walking per day! After each day we were exhausted and slept in each morning, so it was totally fair not to expect any running. Besides, it’s vacation! Let’s savor it, and we’ll get back to running in LA.

THE MOVE and some notes on mental health progression

..or so I thought! After returning from LA, my attention immediately shifted to my move the following weekend, and that became all-consuming!! I spent the weekdays packing all my possessions and then the weekend actually moving them over to the new apartment and unpacking.

It took a while to get settled in and adjusted. It was my first time moving into a totally unfurnished space with new roommates and with Anya! The next couple of weeks were spent making the new space feel like home, from getting household essentials to getting accustomed to sharing the new space with new people. For me, that also meant crafting a new lifestyle, building new habits, and eventually drawing new running routes.

I didn’t lace up my shoes again til August 29, a full 28 days since the last run on August 1. And it felt like it. I think I read before that you only start losing running fitness after about a week or so of inactivity. Four weeks did some damage, and on my first runs back I felt sluggish and heavy. That was expected, but it was a hard reality.

For almost all of the time since the move, I felt bad about my running. This thing that’s so important to me in my life and in my day-to-day took backseat to other life priorities. And it was all understandable and reasonable! (Though, I only fully appreciated that in retrospect.) There was also a sort of snowballing effect that started from initially feeling derailed from my plan and then feeling worse and worse as time went on and then feeling like it was getting impossible to get back to running.

Loss of routine turned into loss of motivation. My internal flame had felt dim for a while. I truly felt lost without running, but I also felt like I couldn’t bring myself to run. I was also experiencing some challenges in my personal life and at home that left me feeling perpetually tired, stressed, and emotionally drained. It felt like external forces were actively preventing me from running, and I could do nothing but watch and feel. And all this time, training and my upcoming marathon in December were on my mind! So. Much. PRESSURE. And disappointment and frustration packed in with it. I was feeling a lot of things!

Wrapping Up

After reflecting on all of this, I realize more fully how much stake I put into running. Physical, mental, emotional, overall well-being. What I previously thought was solid and robust felt fragile and unattainable through this time. I’m also just realizing how back-to-back-to-back-to-back all the events of the past 4 months were: break, injury, travel, more travel, moving, symptoms of depression. Real-time it felt like I was always looking ahead at the horizon to catch a break, and now after looking back at it all, there really wasn’t a whole lot to work with.

More recently and looking ahead, I’m doing a lot better. And I’m more hopeful. I’m paying more attention to how I’m feeling each day. I’m developing a routine with better sleep hygiene and better rest. I’m getting back into journaling regularly, meditating, practicing yoga, exercising gratitude, and setting intentions. And I’ve got better awareness and support from my loved ones.

I’m also generally feeling better about my running. My coach adjusted my plan to match my current fitness level, and I’m crossing off the runs each morning feeling satisfied. There’s still some pressure and expectation, but I want to make sure I’m feeling good along the way. California International Marathon (CIM) 2023 is quickly approaching, and it’s crunch time! Let’s get to running~